rest in peace.

#43. i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i'm not
the greatest grand-daughter
i could be.
i'm sorry we didn't talk
and that i was so
absentee.
i'm sorry we don't have
beautiful memories
to tie us together to a tolerable degree.
i'm sorry,
so
so
sorry.
so i hope you feel these
words that i don't have courage to say
(for whatever petty reason)
and know always
that i love you.
that i have loved you,
loved
loved
you.
so forgive me
and thank you:
for always loving me
for always missing me
i'm not deserving
of your beauty
and all of these things.
i don't want to say
what's left to be said,
all i want to say
is the opposite:
a simple hello
and please,
get better.
i'm not mature enough to deal with this.

#42.

worry,worry,worry
consumes me
hammers me
in a numbing wave
of if,if--
so many ifs
i can't swim.

#41.

so tired.
eyelids drooping,
yawning constantly,
can't move my muscles
full of lethargy.
don't be lazy.
do something
be someone.
i can't.
w
h
y
blahblahblahbbecause i don't know
what i want
blahblahblahbwith my life.
i wish i could be that someone
special.

#40.

i see your face
sometimes.
i fancy "us"
a lot.
i love you just a little,
a little,
a little too much.

#39.

diana
is my Heart:
it's seeking
looking
observing
the turn of the world
slowly,gently,everchanging
lenses
that i fail to operate
properly
how do i put in the film again?

#38.

a simple phrase
that speaks
to you and me.
"art matters."
so i hope that you will keep it
close to your Heart
and let it live
live
live.

#37.

and here we are:
at the end of the road--
a long, long road.
off i get
this express bus
to who knows where
and i'm sorry,
for leaving only
you.