#20.

dear Nineteen,

i write this as your alter-ego, Eighteen, on the eve of your birth. it is about two hours before midnight, before i become you and you become me, and we are one. right now, you are listening to your favourite song--i'm yours by jason mraz, which has been played a total of 20 times since the rebirth of your computer. i wonder how many times will you have played this song by this time next year?

this year, you have suffered and triumphed. you have lost friends and in doing so, have had your Heart broken into pieces. the people whom you've thought were to reside there forever, have evacuated both suddenly, and permanently. let's not tell lies--you are still a little hurt. however, i have faith in you: you will get over it and will look back on your memories with them happily.

and remember: you have also met new people. they are slowly moving into the vacated apartments of your Heart. it is as though your Heart has placed an ad, 'for rent', on kijiji or craigslist, and there are many responders. this year, you have been naive. so please conduct thorough interviews before letting them in--not everyone is as good as you think they are, and it is best to be cautious. i just don't want you to be hurt again, and neither does your Heart, because it is a rather cowardly organ and is most scared to get hurt. picking up the pieces and re-assembling them is not easy either.

this year, you have re-discovered the power of love and are reminded of it everyday: through your friends, your sometimes bothersome family, music, your pets, and youtube videos. appreciate it! it is a flickering light that dims and fades but never dies. and i hope that you will always try to find love in the darkest places but always remember, save a little for yourself. because you cannot love another before learning to love yourself.

this summer, you have tried to write again. some things you write are overily sappy and cheesy but have no fear--this is your space to control and write. let the cheesiness of your art coat every letter, every word, every bold and italicized header... and i love it; i hope you do too, because it is yours only. this year, let's read more, get more inspired, imagine and daydream more. sleep more, and visit the foreign lands in your sleep more-- let them bring you to a land that cannot be accessed by most.

this year, i hope that you will have more faith in yourself. take more risks. get rejected. rejoice. flounder in rejection because one day, you will be floundering in success. but most importantly, i hope that you will love more: love yourself, love your family, love your friends, love to learn, love to read, love science, love conducting experiments--find ambition and motivation and do things. these are my hopes for you.

let me tell a little about the person whom you are right now. you might be afraid to read it because some of it might be harsh. you are naive and cautious. you are scared of the future and responsibilities. you secretly wish that you would die young so that you would not have to face the consequences of your decisions. but this cannot be: you must live with conviction in your life, and take risks. you only live once and when it is gone, you will regret it.

you are afraid to fall in love, because you believe that your Heart is fragile and cannot be repaired once broken. this is not true because the Heart heals irrevocably, and you will have strength to love again.

you are lost, and you don't know what you want to do with your life. don't be scared; this is normal. don't listen to what your parents are telling you and follow where you want to go--your aspirations, your dreams, and act upon them. one tiny step can open up new paths.

you care too much about what other people think. this is a simple truth but who cares? you are you, and you cannot fake being you all the time because it is too tiring. so just open your arms and accept yourself as you are, imperfections and all.

so i pass the torch to you, dear Nineteen, and remember, i love you. i don't feel as though we tell each other this enough. but i love you. have a good year.

bisous,
Eighteen.

#19: a true optimist.

hi, my name is pat.
and i am fat.
some reckon i ressemble a rat.
and they treat me as though i were their personal doormat.
how sad is that,
they snicker and chat,
how did she get ever so fat?
such a sad existence is 'pat the fat.'

some days i am so very sad,
that i always wear my own personalized hat,
which pays tribute to my existence ('pat') in big bold letters, and was given by my dad.
it's rather big--bigger than i, how glad am i, that there is something bigger than 'pat the fat.'

but what they don't realize,
while they're busy idealize-
ing the skinny and cautiously counting their dumb calories,
that i am quite happy, and keep busy by observing the galleries
of life in transition,
the 'dynamo in volition,'
all the while keeping a well-adored nutrition.
i am a magician;
as well as a musician.
i can be whatever, as long as i have ambition.
so screw the popular definition,
of perfection and the necessities of dieticians,
i am pat and i am fat, but no way am i in bad condition.
so beware the power of my cheerful disposition.

#18.

through a dark and raving crowd, she dances wildly--arms thrashing, legs twisting, and hips girating around, around, and around. delirious, dizzy, and almost giddy, she feels powerful in this form. the heavy beats envelope her body, catering to her addiction; and all around, the bright lights are flashing. she catches the eyes of Lust, swelling Hearts, and racing Pulses. Heart, it beats: rapidly. Heart, it throbs: wantingly. her soft hair brushes against the bare skin of another, a fellow contender in madness. she smiles knowingly as they touch and exchange brief conversations: a common courtesy. and then, they go off.

in a room of mirrors, she can see her reflection: hot, flushed, and slightly sweaty. but she takes no mind and steps forth first. lips to lips, hand to hand--pressing against each other, feeling warmth and closeness that they so desire.

and she feels it--that inexplicable allure in each passionate breath, that makes her feel as though she were belonging but free, contradicting but simultaneous. but only for a moment. because this will be over, it always ends. there is an obscure beauty that lies in this basic connection, and she relishes in it, tracing back to her personal haven.

#17.

closing chapters are endings; the ending after the ending is an epilogue--
what should continue after the 'happily-ever-afters,'
dramatic finales,
tragic farewells,
i'd like to think:
after all this trouble,
we would return to our beginnings,
and exist simply as,
"dust in the wind."

#16.

Heart, it beats.
consistently.
Heart, it swells.
occasionally.
Heart, it races.
specifically.
Heart, it loves.
blindly.

Heart, it
b
a r
e
a a
k
a s.
inevitably.
Heart, it heals irrevocably.

#15: you-and-i.

you-and-i, holding hands, we skipped stones by the stony creek.
(leaping,leaping,sinking.)
you-and-i, swapping kisses, like eager merchants at a farmer's market.
(mine were cheaper.)
you-and-i, arm-in-arm, dancing the night away and accompanied by an orchestra of cosmic fish.
(you looked at me, starstruck eyes, and said: the moonlight, it made me lovely.)
you-and-i, two-in-one, perfect pieces of a complex puzzle; when i cried, you held me gently, patted my hair, and told me i-love-yous aplenty.
(loveyou,loveyou,love...)

you-and-i, not so happy, bitter silences crowd our meetings: teardrops freefalling, marking defences, but nothing, you said, nothing.
(why,why,why?)
you-and-i, as time goes by, fades and passes, like shadows saying goodbyes when the day is ending.
(bye,bye,good bye.)
Heart, it shatters; millions of pieces to be gathered.
(b r o / k e n)
you-and-i, no longer there, instead there is, you and i.
(you blahblahblah and blahblahblah i.)

#14.

joy is sitting, stewing, in the simplest things: the warm invitation of a hot chocolate, the crinkly lines your face makes when you smile, and the sunny rays that beats down on your bare shoulders on a hot summer day. beauty is everywhere; but often lost in translation. i wish that i could lock it in a box and keep it with me forever, if only to save it for a rainy day.

#13.

sometimes when i am down, i sit outside and i feel the warmth of the sun above me, as if it is attempting to comfort me. the wind whispers puzzles in my ear, and i feel peaceful because at least, i know the sun will always shine; the wind will always blow. both are constants in changing times, proven by the precision of science and interpreted by the uncertainty of mankind.



img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/nicece

#12.

it takes but an ounce of strength to sequence words together as knives, pining straight for the direction of your Heart. how difficult it is, to keep them entrapped, forever buried in the rooms of mine; showing grace and elegance in face of temptation. to win is to deny, and to deny is too hard. thus, persevere, i shall, hiding behind a false veil of brightness. "everything is okay."



img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/totalgenervt

#11.

let's say goodbye. because it's for our benefit; you clearly don't need me, nor i do you. please spare my Heart and let's put an end to this relentless charade, so: farewell, dear friend, farewell.


img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/mozaa

#10.

little imperfections, i am: spelling errors, awkward adjectives, and the wrong placement of commas and colons. others may sneer but me, i smile. because it is no one but i, who understands and appreciates the beauty in the sequencing of my words.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/petunia

#9.

childhood flits and flutters around me. every day, it touches my senses with the gentlest of caresses, tickling the surface of my Heart with yearning and joy. it reminds me of simpler times where it was just enough to wake up to sunshine and clear blue skies; a breath of refreshment. how hard i try to retain dear old childhood but, it is air—impossible to obtain but is present always: a wrinkle in time.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/ferro_ud

#8.

dear you,

i do not know who you are, but i have faith that you exist. i like to believe that out there, in the big vast world, you are there also; thinking of me. these silly thoughts i am spurning are curious letters my Heart is penning to an unknown address. please find me.

love, me.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/domyblue

#7.

i wish that in your dark world of corruption and greed, there is a light that shines true. i hope that through all the pain and slander you've endured, there are people who will stand by your side, for now and for always. and i thank you: for it is you--the translator who understands, truly and deeply, the universal language of the world and allowed it flow through the veins of millions. in death, you shall find glory. as you rest, your image will be impressed upon this generation, never to cease.

R.I.P.

(August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/keikoo

#6.

recently, anger stomps around in the form of a 'tyrannical office despot'. i quiver in fear everytime she nears, and i swear, the Evil One--she-who-must-not-be-named--feels and feeds upon my terror. bitter words threaten to spill from my mouth like a taboo spell, but are sealed away by sensible will. how i await the day where tactful willpower morphs into reckless courage and give birth to the brusque words i long to speak.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/grad

#5.

some people are afraid of heights. others are afraid of death; most women fear spiders and other creepy-crawlies. me? i am most scared of contracting diarrhea with no hope of a toilet nearby. i'm not weird--just realistic: you can always squish spiders and you can choose to not to place yourself on a high pedastal. but diarrhea strikes quickly and unpredictably: the world's true menace.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/lakandula

#4.

take my hand and lead me to a better place, where fairytales and happily ever afters are a guarantee. lead me to where bright lights shine without price and the value of our imagination ranks higher than gold coins and investment bonds. and we can sit, going round and round in circles, feeling the wind blowing through our hair and see the world swirl in rainbows all around.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/xamandax.

#3.

let it go, for bitterness and resentment are just momentary ties to past burdens and mistakes. heavy parcels are sent to the mailbox of your Heart, and stored as if running a storage space. however, the place they occupy comes not without a price. fly gracefully with their release but never forget the bittersweet imprint of sunkissed shadows left by the past.

img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/boredbone

#2.

sometimes, i wonder what the world would be like if we could live forever. be rid of mortality and the chains that binds us to our basic survival. we could choose our futures, live the way we want to--free, and the road ahead boundless with opportunity. a thousand years to learn and a thousand things to see, if only it could be.


img credit: http://www.lomography.com/homes/stoonja

#1.

sometimes, i feel an inexplicable longing for an undetermined future. in my mind, there swirls so many could-be's mixed with bittersweet could've-beens, like an exotic stir-fry of dreams and reality. inspiration knocks at random intervals, filling me with wonder and curiosity; an endless waltz between heart and mind.

img credit: http://nataliekrebs.wordpress.com/2008/11/24/lomography/

sharing my Heart over the network.

Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.